Anyone's Ghost
by It's an Existential Crisis
Summary: Shikamaru is killed by Hidan instead of Asuma, but that isn't the end of him and Hidan has to pick up the mess. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is gulty of all the good he did not do. What would you be willing to do to escape Hell? Didn't want to be... your ghost. Didn't want to be... anyone's ghost. But I don't want anybody else. HidaShika. Extremely slow paced&convoluted plot.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

It should have been me. That fucking kid... That lazy, genius fucking smart-ass. My lazy kid...

They keep on telling me that it's not my fault. But _excuse me_ if I have a hard time being so easy on myself sitting at the grave of a teenager. A teenager that was my responsibility. It should have been me.

I'm the only one here, it should be Shikaku mourning, not me, I don't even deserve to cry. But of course he isn't here, he wouldn't be here with the man who let his son get killed. Of course they had to fucking bury him in the dirt... where he can't...

Are you up there, Shikamaru? You get to.. do what you always wanted to do, right? You're up there, floating on with the clouds. You... You be a good damn cloud, you here? Meet a nice, simple cloud girl and have a little cloud kid of your own... You... you float on.

Ino she... I've been trying to teach her how to play shogi... We miss you, buddy.

It should have been me.

And then this baby! Just.. isn't that just the icing on the cake... But it's okay. We're going to have a baby, I'm gonna be a dad... And I'm going to get the bastard.

I bet... if it were me, you'd probably feel just like me...

Float on...


	2. Chapter 1: The Ocean Breaths Salty

**Chapter 1: The Ocean Breaths Salty**

The first few weeks were the worst. If I could move, I'm sure I'd smell like blood and piss. Hell, it smelled like blood and piss anyway. It smelled like... mold. Rotting wood. Mud. I couldn't move, wasn't breathing, my blood was not flowing; I was dead. Or at least, I should have been. No. I was definitely dead. But I could still smell. I could feel. I could feel every single insect. And hear. I could hear them eating through the wood, and their creepy crawly legs making their way across my skin, so cold. I could feel them bite. I could feel every worm, wriggling around, in my hair, in my cloths, between my toes.

I heard other things too. Like my body decomposing. That was probably the worst part. Just when I was starting to get over the panic of being enclosed, underground, not being able to scream or try to get out. Then my body started to break down. I got bloated, my hair and toes started to fall out. I didn't feel any pain, like I thought I would. I could feel, I could definitely feel, but it didn't hurt. I was able to estimate the time that passed based on the... the process. Of decomposing.

It's been a while now. It feels... like I've been down here longer. I can feel every second that passes, echoing over and over... And once the fear subsided, I felt... nothing. I'm sure I'd cry if I could. It's Hell down here. Every single moment that passes... feels... empty. Soon, I'm sure, my flesh will fall right off the bone.

But that's not the only thing I hear. Sometimes I hear voices. In those first few hours, there were so many sounds, so many voices, some of them above the ground, some of them here with me, it was unbearable. But after a while the voices quieted. I can never make out what they're saying. But I hear them, muffled, sad... At first, at the beginning, when I woke, I called out their names. I shouted them so loud, but my lips did not move. But I tried, I called after them, all of them, until all the names simply subsided into a single agonized cry. I can't remember any of those names anymore.

Sometimes there's one other voice though. Muffled also. But it comes from below. At first, it frightened me. It felt icy cold. But now, whenever it comes... I beg it to stay. To put me out of my misery. End this. I've thought about the things I want to say, but whenever it comes around, I panic, I become frantic, and in the end it always leaves.

I'd do anything to get out of here. Even if I end up living in a fiery Hell where I die a painful death every day, it has to be better than this. Anything is better than this. I want to feel something. Anything.

"_**...?"**_

What..? I can't hear you... I feel you, but where...

"_**I said... Do you mean that?"**_

Of course... I want... to feel something... anything... please, can you... can you help me? I can't stay like this. I can't. This is Hell. There's a moth on my eye. It's hairy legs are ticking me. I can't brush it away. Same with the worm sleeping in my skull. And the spider, who's made her nest in my ear. They'll be hatching soon. My bones... sometimes they just snap for no reason, and my whole body shifts, stirring up dust and all sorts of bugs. My flesh is gooey and drippy. I hear the sad voices of people who love me. But I can do nothing. Nothing but exist here, as a corpse. I feel no pain. No pleasure. I remember nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. But I am here. I will do anything. Please. I want to feel something.

You... whoever you are... I think you are Death. I can feel your cold fingers gripping my spine, whispering into my ear, I know you are up to no good. I beg you, end me or save me... but don't leave me... don't leave me here... Will you help me?

"_**Perhaps I will. If you keep your word."**_

I will, I'll do anything you say. I'd do anything just to get this moth off of my eye.

"_**Worship me."**_

..What?

"_**Worship me. Obey me. Kill for me. Give your life to me. And in doing so, you will have what you desire."**_

...

"_**Yes?"**_

That seems like a lot of work.

"_**Listen to me, boy. This is a one-time offer. And I am being uncharacteristically generous to offer it. Especially to you. But it is ironic. And I believe you will serve me well. And if you do not, you will truly know Hell. For every day that you do not worship me, you shall slowly decompose as you are now. You cannot die, for you are not alive. You can never leave your body, even after you return to dust. Worship and serve me, and I will give you the ultimate gift."**_

I believe you. If this is what death truly is, this awful existence, if this is what we are all faced with, this is the end of the line... human beings are right to fear death. If this is what awaits the rest of my eternity, then yes, I will serve you. But I... there is still something... I still have one question.

"_**I have an answer."**_

...Who are you? No... who... am I?

"_**All in good time, my son."**_

... So what do I have to do?

"_**Do you accept me as your lord and savior? Will you worship and honor me every day for the rest of your life? Will you do whatever I or my followers command of you?"**_

...Yes.

"_**Then... let's shake on it."**_

_C-c-c-c-c-cold... Cold... AHH SHIT._ Y-You're... it's...

Is that... me?

It was.**_  
_**

How long have I... been dead? It's so cold. And it reeks. I don't understand what's going on. But if it means I never have to be trapped in... _that_.. ever again... I don't need to understand. I don't even want to _see_ this... ever again. And I never... never want to be trapped underground. How... how do I get out?

I called, but no one is answering. Did he leave? How... how do I get out?! I'm still trapped down here! With... _him_... He's so close, please, fuck don't make me stay here with him. Okay okay... what am I missing here.

There's... a new smell. Blood? Can't be. No, there is. Blood... fresh, warm blood... coming out of... my... _his_... mouth. And... his eyes are open. They weren't before... But that blood. It's kind of... tempting...

There's something wrong about this. Whoever I was before, he's gone now. Whoever I was before, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. But I don't have a choice, I refuse to stay here forever. Even if it means... doing something awful. I have a feeling whoever I was in life would never do this. Have I lost all of my humanity? Whoever I am now, am I willing to risk whatever humanity I might have left..? There's something... more to this. But that warm blood... It has to taste better than dirt.

That voice... I feel like we've met before. I don't know if I can trust them. But what do I have to lose..?

Whoever I used to be, your body may be gone but, somewhere in me you're still here, and I'll carry you with me. You died young... and you missed out...

_When the ocean met the sky._

_You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye._

_When the Earth folded in on itself,_

_and said, "Good luck._

_For your sake I hope Heaven and Hell are really there,_

_but I wouldn't hold my breath."_

_You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the death?_

The last I remember is laughter. Dark, echoing, cold laughter. Before I was finally able to take a breath, for the very first time, as I was born again.

"_Oh shit."_

And as I was born again into the world anew, the first thing I did was cry.

It wrenched my lungs, I squeezed every bit of air I could out of them, I shredded my throat, my muscles spasmed uncontrollably, aching unbearably, and my heart slammed against my ribs, again and again, I could hear it pulsing in my toes, crashing against my chest, pumping the blood, I could feel it forcing its way through all of my veins, warm, flowing, _alive_.

And it hurt. So. Good.

My knees wobbled, but the light was on upstairs, I stood, relearning every muscle and bone and function, as every emotion ever, poured out of my eyes, warm and salty on my chest. I took another miraculous breath, and I'm sure the air never tasted so good, and with my first words in this new life I'd been granted, I shouted out into the world, the ugly, beautiful world,

"_Praise Jashin-Sama!"_

_You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?_


	3. Chapter 2: Illuminated

**Chapter 2: Illuminated **

Everything was so clear. In that moment, I knew I was alive. There was more to come, more to my existence now, good and bad, but just for that moment, I reached out my hands into the dark night sky, and just felt alive. Oh those stars! Look at them all, they're fucking gorgeous. I've never seen anything so beautiful, those stars, twinkling, existing _brilliantly_. I'm one of those stars now, aren't I? And I can feel..."YAAAHOOOOO!"

"Will you shut the fuck up?! You little shit, fucking damnit, seriously..."

I can hear words... real words. Who is that?

"Man, we are so fucked, shit, this is bad..."

I turn on my heels, and there, there right in front of me is another human being, another person, the very first person I've ever seen, in this new life. They're beautiful. And holding a shovel? "You... did you save me?" I look around, and see I'm standing in an open, dug up coffin, piles of dirt everywhere. "Yes, you did, didn't you?"

"_Tch_, insolent fucking-" the stranger, my savior, sighed, "No, I didn't save your sorry ass, Jashin-sama did. Fuck..."

I studied his face, it seemed ghostly reminiscent of a memory, a memory that couldn't have been mine, of course, but nonetheless, this man, whoever he is, is here to help me. Nothing makes sense, I'm just happy to be-

"Snap out of it, damnit, we don't have time for this," he said, "You can revel in joy later, we need... gah, fuck, this is going to be a pain in the ass..."

Another man is approaching, I can hear him coming, he's being really quiet, but I can hear him... and others coming farther away...

"Hidan, what the Hell are you doing?" the man reveals himself to us, he scrutinized me. His face is even stranger, but I can see his brow furrow, even in this darkness, I can see every wrinkle, "You have got to be shitting me."

"Oi oi, back off, damnit, this is _your_ fault, see, this is the shit that happens when you fucking rush me!" Hidan exclaimed, angrily, it was clear he was distraught, "Just fucking, gimme a minute, gimme a fucking minute, I need to think..."

"If we wait for you to think we'll be here all night. Hurry the fuck up, someone's coming," The man took off again, back the way he came, silent...

I have so many questions. What a moment ago was happiness is now... panic. My chest hurts, in a cold, lonely way, my stomach feels sick. I've been alive for but minutes, yet I feel as if I have truly killed myself. Right now, I just want to lie down. That gush of emotion, all these new sensations, finally being able to breath, suddenly, the air tastes sour. What have I done? Who are these men? Where the Hell am I, what am I supposed to do?

"Oi, calm your fucking tits," a hand rests on my shoulders, heavy, it almost knocks me off my balance, but he steadies me, "I've got this, just fucking, shut up and do what I say, and I won't just put you back down there."

What do I say? Something is wrong, this is very wrong. There's something inside me, and it hates me.

"Answer me, damnit! Just say O.K and do everything I say," those heavy, firm hands grab my face, forcing me to pay attention to him, it's good, because I can't seem to concentrate on anything, "That is your purpose right now, you got it? Nod at me." I did. "Alright, listen closely because I'm not going to say it again-"

He had my full attention, but as he forced me to look at him as he spoke... I couldn't help but noticing the strange, almost purple color in his eyes, and it was stranger still, because it felt like I had never noticed it _before_, but there couldn't have _been_ a before... And if there was, why can't I remember it?

If it weren't for those angry, glossy eyes, I would have paid more attention. But when I realized it, I saw that he wasn't saying anything. He was just staring. Straight back at me. And then... not.. He's looking straight, his face is stiff in its emotion, as it began to fall... his head fell straight off of his shoulders..

No... No! You can't do that, you have the answers I need! You can't just leave, you haven't told me what I need to do yet... My purpose is to do what that man says.

"Shikamaru..?"

The hand holding my chin drops to the side of his headless body, until he flops down onto his knees, and falls forward, into me. Blood spills into my chest and down my torso. "You killed him."

"Sh... Shikamaru!"

Frantically, I back away from the body and it falls down to the ground, blood flying out onto the dirt, "You killed him..! I needed him!" What the fuck do I do now?!

_**Kill him.**_

"Shikamaru, you're... you're alive..." The man standing behind the body falls, just like Hidan's, "How... Shikamaru..." He drops a blade. It's covered in Hidan's blood. My savior's blood. The man weeps into his hands, a muffled, sad sound.

"I know that voice," you're the one who sat on top of me while I slowly suffered.

"Hey dick-face, I said listen to me!" that was Hidan's voice. "Yo, down here." I look down, at his bodiless head. "Sheesh, why the fuck does this keep happening to me, _seriously_."

A boot comes down on his face, startling me more than the fact he was talking still, "No, you listen to me! Where's your fucking partner?!" says the man who was just a moment ago an emotional slushee.

Things are happening too fast for me to follow. Every single moment is blurred, the slightest movement echoes. My extreme hearing from a moment ago is dulled. I have no idea what is happening, or what I should do.

"...!"

It sounds like everyone is underwater... maybe I'm the one underwater...

"_Kill him!"_

It sounds so muffled. But I see, I see his mouth form every letter, so slowly. My purpose right now, in this moment, is to do what he says. I can think later, right now I have to act, I've got to do something. I can question it later. Right now, I am alive, I can move, I finally have control over my body. So I will use it... Man this is such a drag.

_Time waits for no one, so do you want to waste some time..._

Kill... for Jashin. Okay.

The blade with Hidan's blood on it, yeah, take that, and kill him. Just pick it up, and kill him, now, while he's turned away.

..This isn't right.

_**Don't be afraid of tomorrow, **_

_**just take my hand **_

_**I'll make it feel so much better, tonight**_

There's that damn moth again, there on my wrist. My bones feel cold... but my blood is running hot. Flowing, flowing, pick up the blade. This is exciting! Something feels right. Something _just_ _feels right_ about this!

It slides into his back so smoothly! Hahah this is..! Wait, "No.. blood...?" _Tch_, a clone, of course. Alright, alright, I'm getting into this. Where, _oh where_, is the real one..? Right there. Okay, what do we have to work with... A scythe? Looks kind of heavy, but it will have to do. I don't have a lot of energy, so every move counts. Ma-haha-ha-_han_! I don't know who this guy is, but he is going to be s-

"Shikamaru!"

That name. "Shut up... Your voice makes me sick." I'm going to pump you full of pain! I'm running on adrenaline alone, but it's all I need. Holding this scythe makes me feel like my arms are going to fall off... Like I'm a rotting corpse; that idea sends a shiver down my spine, but my muscles, though strained, hold firm. And it just excites me more!

"Shikamaru, stop! It's me!"

"You..?" Now that I think about, your face does look familiar. That smell... cigarettes.. and salt. "You," I'm still trying to comprehend it, but I'm not going to stop charging! Almost got him-

"Shikamaru, stop!"

"Shut _up_!" I can't stand it, this guy makes me nauseas; swing! I can't let him live, he makes me so angry- fuck! I just can't keep my grip. You've lost your only weapon now, dipshit, good going. It's alright, just think, don't let him get to you-

"It's me, Asuma!"

"_Stop it!" _I can't help it, why does he keep fucking saying all these goddamn names?! My fist drives into his palm- I'm on the offensive; why the _Hell_ won't he fight back?!

_Suddenly my eyes are open,_

_everything comes into focus_

I was meant for this! I don't care what happens, I'm going to fight like this until I fucking drop..! I'm gonna kill him! I'm a fucking _star_!

_We are all illuminated,_

_lights are shining on our faces_

"Asuma,"

_Blinding..._

"I know you... you killed me, didn't you? _Didn't you_?!" Why won't this fucking moth get off my back?!

That look on his face, I'm right aren't I? Oh god... This guy killed me. My eyes are fucking burning, damnit... Where the fuck did all that energy go? Now I... want to cry. I'm so damn angry! He... killed me. Why does that hurt so much?

_Asuma..._

I taste blood. Am I bleeding? No, but he is. His knuckles are bleeding... This asshole just punched me in the teeth!

"_Gack_..." Woah. WOAH. Holy... "_SHIIIIIT!_" What's with the look on his face? "F-... FUCK. It..." there's so much blood coming out of my mouth I can't talk, "H.. _hurts..~!_" My fucking knees are shaking, I've never felt anything like this... I've never felt _so much_... so much... _pain~!_" Fucking... ecstasy..!

_Suddenly my eyes are open,_

_everything comes into focus..._

Asuma... A... Asuma?! Wha... what's wrong, what's happening?! Why is he bleeding? Asuma, what's wrong?! I can't move, I have to save him..! Where is everyone?! Why is no one helping him?! I don't understand, why is he... "No... No! No, get up! Asuma! _Sensei!_"

My head is so heavy, why can't I... there's... a black.. shadowy spike sticking out of my chest. How did that get there..?

"Hey asshole, quit screaming in my fucking ear," ..Hidan?

My hands are black... Wait, there's white too...

I'm going to puke.

What on Earth have I done..? _What have I become? _"You can't be serious.. you, you can't... this is a fucking joke..."

"No joke, dick-wad, you killed the bastard," the spike recedes into me, red gushing everywhere, it's more painful than when it went in, he shakes my body off the thing and I fall to the ground. Limp. The pain in my head clouds any other feeling.

I couldn't have... I didn't..! No that can't be Asuma's body in front of me, it's a clone! It's a fucking clone I know it is..! A really... firm... warm clone... please, no... He never even used his blades. He didn't even get them out.

_We are all illuminated, _

_lights are shining on our faces_

_blinding..._

There's that moth again...

_**Swing me these sorrows**_

_**And try delusion for a while,**_

_**it's such a beautiful lie**_

I'm so.. so sorry...

_**You've got to lose inhibition**_

_**Romance your ego for a while,**_

_**come on give it a try...**_

It should have been me.

_Suddenly my eyes are open_

_Everything comes into focus_

This is what I am now..? This is the price I pay..? This is the cost of living..?

But I'm not alive, am I. No, I'm something worse than dead. A monster. A _zombie_. I live now... in a fiery Hell, where I die a different way every day. I've died thrice today...

This isn't what I wanted...

_We are all illuminated,_

_lights are shining on our faces_

_blinding..._

"Shit, this sucks... Alright kid, here are your choices-"

"I'm coming."

"Eh?" That voice. He did this to me... No. _I_ did this to me. I can't blame him. I kind of do, but... this is my fault. I can't go back... down there. I just... can't.

"I'm fucking coming, just... give me a minute."

"We don't have a minute."

I have to live with this for the rest of my life. How long is that going to be, exactly..? And now I have.. to go with _them_. And who fucking knows how that'll blow. I can't stay here though... I can't... I just... this is... such a drag...

I'll.. I'll cry later, but right now... Fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm sorry Asuma, I'm so sorry, but I need these more than you do now. I can't believe I'm fucking _doing this!_ Sensei... I kill him, and now I'm just gonna leave him here like this? I don't have a choice. His cloths are big on me, but they will do. I'll wear this guilt on myself for the rest of my fucking life. Hah... all he had was a pack of cigarettes... yeah... I could go for one of those now. It's not like I can die of lung cancer now. Or can I? You know what, I don't even fucking care...

This is just too much...

"Alright, come on you scrawny little shit, let's go," Everything, _everything_ hurts. Was it worth it? I don't know. But I can't fight it now, I'm too tired. Hanging off of Hidan's shoulder is not the worst thing that has happened to me. Not by far. No. The worst is yet to come.

"What a... pretty sunrise..."

_Blinding..._

_We are..._

_we are..._

_blinded..._

_We are..._

_we are..._

_blinded..._

What is up... with this moth?


	4. Chapter 3: Hit the Switch

**Chapter 3: Hit the Switch**

"It's been three days. I'm losing my patience."

"...Shit.. just fucking say it..." he mumbles. "He's gone."

"What?!"

**...**

I can't close my eyes. I've gone over every single possible solution or strategy, but nothing makes sense, and all that comes to me are dreams. Dreams of men that _eat _each other... I don't sleep... I can't close my eyes.

It's like I can see their faces, engraved in the backs of my eyelids, drowning in the black. The faces of the people I've had to kill. Innocent people. But that's not the worst part. _I enjoyed it._

All day, I would walk behind these two strange cloaked men, they tug me along with my hands tied together, whispering to each other, talking about me. They don't trust me. And they shouldn't. There are still bits and pieces of my memory that seem... missing. Dormant, I'd say. It's all still there, but, indeed, they are the memories of a dead man. But I do remember very clearly the criminals that are Hidan and Kakuzu. And it is clear, they know me.

I haven't said a single word to them since I left Konoha. My lips have crusted over, and rip when I open them. My mouth always tastes like blood. I don't know if it's in me... if I can betray my country, if I can betray everything I've ever believed in. I don't know if joining these men in whatever the Hell they want is in me.

But it isn't really about joining Hidan and Kakuzu, is it? It's about joining Jashin, in doing whatever the Hell _he_ wants.

Jashin... what an enigma you are. You have given me the ultimate gift, eternal life. But you never told me what I'm supposed to do with it. Are you truly an evil God? ...

This morning I awoke in a room, not blindfolded or tied up at all, but the only door was locked. A small boy stared back at me from across the room. We both sat pressed against opposite walls, staring each other down, waiting for something to happen, for someone to open that door.

"..What's your name?"

A few more silent tears dribbled down his face, and he coughed, "K... Kaoru... What's your name..?"

I opened my mouth instinctively to answer, but when no sounds came out, I realized I didn't know the answer. I'm a dead man.

"..Mister, don't you know your name..?"

"It's..." Shikamaru, of the Nara clan. "Shika... Shikasuma." The bastard traitor. Of the worthless garbage.

"Shikasuma... what... what do you think those men are going to do to us..? The one in the mask, I think I saw his face... he's evil isn't he..?" in his eyes, the fear I saw in them was genuine. Pure, fear for himself, for his family, and honest fear of the two men who abducted him. The pure, honest eyes of a child. He's just a child.

"Yeah... I think he is..."

I am Shikamaru, of the Nara clan. All I ever wanted out of life... was to float on. With a nice, quiet girl, and we'd have a nice, quiet daughter, we'd have family barbeques and share a cold beer with our close friends, and when my little girl graduated the academy, I'd retire, and spend my days playing shogi, and tending to the deer of the Nara clan's land. All I ever asked for... was a simple, quiet, easy-going life. I don't know, maybe I'd travel, just live off the kindness of strangers, until I finally settle down. Go wherever the wind was blowing, looking out of myself. The only reason I became a ninja was so I could retire someday. I've only ever wanted... to be simple, soft, and pure, like those clouds...

But the longer I sit here, staring into the pure, soft eyes of this child, the more anxious I get. I can feel it getting darker outside. I don't have much time. Can I still live simply, quietly, like this? Would I allow myself to be happy, with the guilt? Can I still be a shinobi of the leaf, and _kill in order to live_..? Would Jashin, or even Hidan, let me?

I'm running out of time.

He set it up this way on purpose. This is my choice.

The most important question is... can I live with myself, knowing I have to kill this little boy? I trace the triangle hanging around my neck with my finger. But it gives me no answer.

...

"Just fucking watch, okay? ...Bitch, listen!"

"Fine, fine. Whatever..."

"You see this?"

"... Yeah."

"... It's yours."

"What?"

"Just fucking take it... And don't fucking lose it!"

Hidan gave his necklace a short tug and the back snapped, dangling it in front of me.

"... Uh..."

"Did I fucking stutter?" he shoves it into my hands.

"Okay, and what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" I snap.

He rolled his eyes, "You _wear it_, dipshit, it's a fucking_ necklace_," he barks, ripping it out of my hands again, spinning me around, and of course I just let him, and he hooks the beaded necklace around my neck. I just let him. Waiting for him to say something, staring down at my chest, feeling the weight of his treasured pendant, turning to see that I am alone again.

Always, I'm alone. I don't fucking understand any of this, so I guess I'll just take my anger out on this stupid wall that keeps glaring and mocking me until I brake a toe. Damn it all. What even was that just now?! Who the Hell is he- Who the Hell is Jashin?! No, I don't owe him shit, I can't do this. Am I supposed to just keep living this way, blindfolded and stumbling awkwardly behind them for the rest of my life? My eternal life is to wander in limbo until my fucking brain rots away and my whole vocabulary is nothing but maniacal laughter and profanity?! DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME, UP THERE?! No. This can't be it.

_I'm staring out into that vacuum again_

_From the back porch of my mind_

_The only thing that's alive_

_I'm all there is..._

What the Hell is a necklace going to do for me? Sentiment? I don't need his sympathy, I need an answer...

This glaring white walls are suffocating, but not more so than that locked door. Or these dead-man's cloths.

I just want to stop crying.

... Then stop.

_My eyes have turned red as stoplights_

_You seem ready to walk_

_You know I'll call you eventually_

_When I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible_

I'm tired of walking, tired of listening to them, I just want to sit somewhere and just _not think_. I'm too tired to think. Tired of looking into innocent eyes and watching him rip them out.

He's just a kid. I don't even know where I am, I don't know where I'm going, but unless I kill him, I'm going to be here all night. I'm wearing my teachers cloths and my enemy's crest- I don't even remember what my face looks like anymore- but I have to make this decision. I can stop and die here, and I won't have to ask any more questions, won't have to walk anymore...

_Cause there's this switch that gets hit_

_And it all stops making sense_

_And in the middle of drinks_

_Maybe the fifth or the sixth_

_I'm completely alone at a table of friends_

_I feel nothing for them_

_I feel nothing, nothing._

And even still, feeling alienated from my body, all that goes through my mind is how good blue looks on him. Blue like the pretty clear sky... yeah, maybe someday I'll meet you there, kid. Until then, I have to get some answers.

My arms are weak, but they stayed firm until Kaoru's pretty brown eyes roll back into his skull. ...

Just... FUCK.

_Well I need a break from the city again.._

Hidan's pendant in my left hand, Asuma's headband in my right. Either way, I can't stay here. I don't know who or what I am, but I don't want to be here- If I stay any longer I just might disappear into the cold white walls. What to do... what to do...

Breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth... straighten your spine, relax your shoulders, relax your face, sit, breath, relax, think... What are you doing with your hands? ... Stop that, relax your hands at your sides... Breath, think...

Staring into the black underside of my eyelids, there are those men again, dead man stumbling around, staring at me, but it's okay, just relax, and they seem to pass me by as I continue further and further down, staring down the blackness. It looks like a starry sky... And I keep going, I can feel myself going farther. What's happening? This isn't what I was intending, but here I am, no reason to stop now. The faces became fewer and fewer...

Breath, relax... They all look so sad. Funny, that one there kind of looks like Hidan, but it can't be him. White hair, bloodshot eyes, a gimpy leg, his bones sticking out- his rotting face is practically falling off, and his ripped cloths are unfamiliar. He's staring back at me, sadly, stumbling around like all the rest.

And I feel compelled to look down upon myself, and see I'm hardly anything but a dusty skeleton, bits of slimy flesh barely clinging on. I lift a hand, and one crumbling finger collapses into dust. And I'm just stumbling along, with the rest of them, in this endless, black nothingness.

But it seems I have a direction, so I keep going forward, farther and farther from my body. In the distance, deep in the dim, sparkling fireworks of my own neural discharge, I'm sure I can see eyes. Just barely, and my breath catches as they stare back into me. I keep going forward, but those piercing, faint eyes aren't any closer.

Those eyes are so cold, cold like my body, and it gushes- I'm going to puke. Eyes open so wide it burns, my throat's dry walls scratch and collapse, I finally stand and stretch my stiff body. Kaoru is still warm. I understand now. I'm fucking crazy.

I have to get out of here.

_I have been less than frequent_

_She's under no obligation_

_To indulge every whim_

_And I'm so ungrateful, I take_

_She gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it_

"I knew this was a bad idea, we should have killed him when we had the chance."

"Pff, yeah fucking right, moron, good luck with that, he's like me now," Hidan scratches the back of his neck.

"Shut up," Kakuzu's muscled hand digs into Hidan's throat, "Stop acting so casual. We have to get him."

Hidan escaped the grasp angrily, spitting at him, "Are you a fucking tracker nin now?! I don't fucking know where he went, damn bitch, seriously," he rubs his neck, turning away.

Kakuzu's anger is about to explode. His partner could be so dull, his ignorance made Kakuzu's head spin. But he's done talking about this; he hadn't planned on returning to Konoha anytime soon, and it was a detour from their current destination, but the little rat has heard too much. Kakuzu was going to find him. And kill him. A thousand times if he had to. He'd fucking bury him in the ground and piss on him every day and see if he grew piss flowers. Then he'd brew them into a tea to give to his uncultured, uneducated fanatical partner. But at the moment, he collects his belongings, walking coldly and silently out the door, Hidan treading on his heels.

_And each morning she wakes_

_With a dream to describe_

_Something lovely that bloomed_

_In her beautiful mind_

_I say, "I'll trade you one_

_For two nightmares of mine,_

_I have somewhere I die,_

_I have somewhere we all die"_

"...Ino... Ino wake up." I don't know what I'm going to say to you, but I have to say something.

"...No, stop it, I told you, I don't want to dream about you anymore. Go away."

I don't know why I'm here. I keep forgetting, I'm a ghost. This girl doesn't even feel like my friend, my comrade- she looks like an old photograph and it isn't mine.

"...Ino... please."

Her eyes are wet, and she covers herself in pretty floral sheets.

You know who I am. Maybe you can remind me.

_There's this burn in my stomach_

_And there's this pain in my side_

_And when I kneel at the toilet_

_And the morning's clean light_

_Pours in through the window_

_Sometimes I pray I don't die_

_I'm a goddamn hypocrite_

Sitting on her bed, I can take a breath. I stink, but her room smells nice. I can feel her warmth, even though she's hiding under her sheets. Yeah, I'd hide from me too. I know I can't stay long. But can't I? Can't I be a new person here, in Konoha? Can't I be a... murdering criminal servant of Jashin and still have Ino and Choiji as my friends...?

Again, the cold symbol of my "savior" gives me no answers... With a heavy heart and a sigh, I know I can't stay here. Even though I want to so badly. I want to. I want to. No matter where I go, I can't live a peaceful life, so at the very least, I won't stay here and hurt you.

"Okay, Ino. I'll go. I'm sorry, I won't keep coming and hurting you anymore. So just keep sleeping and dream about... barbeques and cold drinks with your friends, laughter on a warm summer evening..."

And I'll just go, off into the dark again, staring out upon the village, a distant place, and it blows right past me. I can't stop until I have answers. These questions, that's all I have keeping me on my feet right now, and that's just going to have to be enough. This confidence is lonely, but if I can stand, I should... This pendant is heavy around my neck, but these legs are my own, these eyes that look out into the world are my own, I control these hands and these lips, so I'll decide... who I am, and who you are.

_But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense_

_There is no right way or wrong way_

_you just have to live_

_And so I do what I do_

_and at least I exist_

_What could mean more than this?_

_What would mean more, mean more? _

* * *

**A/N: Hey! Sorry, I've rewritten this chapter so many times, and I've finally settled for this =n= I'll admit, I was EXTREMELY LAZY with this chapter, and there are probably many grammar mistakes. I know this chapter is kind of every where, but _I'm_ kind of every where right now, and I really REALLY wanted to get a new chapter up a couple days ago for HIDASHIKA DAY (damn fanfiction site won't let me put a heart here, IT WON'T EVEN LET ME PUT THE SITE HERE WTF TRY PUTTING FF DOT NET IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORKDSJAFHJASDGHA )  
It's late, but here it is : I  
**

**If you don't know HidaShika day, I am very sad that you missed it, the deviantart HidaShika club had a pretty big contest, and even sadder, we only got one entry, and now our lovely admin is so busy, she won't have time for any more contests for a while. We really need to rally up some more active, loving members for out beautiful angsty OTP! If you are interested, please check it out, and I promise I will update my fics more often (yes, that include Enjoy the Silence, even though that fic is really poorly written) and I promise upcoming chapters will be better than this jumbled mess. **

**To anyone who reads my fics, I love you : )**

**-Teji**


	5. Chapter 4: What's so Amazing About Grace

**Chapter 4: What's So Amazing About Grace**

The flame licks at my fingertips hungrily, it burns and my hand stiffens, but I keep it there, until my skin is blackened and I nearly faint from the pain, rubbing my charred black fingers together as the ash falls to the ground. Any sane person would not purposely burn themselves, and certainly would not enjoy it. People fear pain, no one likes it when something hurts. Because pain means something is wrong, some pain may be fatal, it is detrimental, and for the sake of survival, we avoid things that hurt. But here I am, craving it, not even caring if I lose my hand; it is hardly anything compared to the moment before I plunge myself into death, confident that my Lord will save me, so that I may die again tomorrow.

I want to say something stupid and deep, like this is supposed to be my punishment, but I'm enjoying it. It makes me feel alive, and I'm grateful that I can hurt this much, because it means I'm human. A human chosen to spread the word of Jashin. Yeah, that's the part I need to figure out.

The will of fire to protect my village… I worry about them every day. I miss them, but there's no way I'd be able to stay and cope with the guilt, even if I could stay. I'm a cowardly monster, so to protect my village and my loved one's, I'll stay away. Sheesh, this fucking sucks.

I stretch out onto the grass, flexing my burnt hand, the charred skin flying into the wind, but my fingers staying burnt black, throbbing, stinging, but cold now, it doesn't heal like I thought it would, but that's alright, I still carry my will of fire, I can live with a scar or two, all the better to alienate myself from my former identity, and learn my limits.

I wonder if Hidan went through all of this at some point.

"There you are, you little fucking cock roach!"

I resent him, but the black burned fingers wrapped around his necklace tell me to listen. For now.

* * *

A/N: Short chapter to rev up my writing engine and hopefully lead up to a much longer, more exciting chapter ;u;


	6. Chapter 5: Flawed Design

**Chapter 5: Flawed Design**

"How much do you know now?" Cold, emotionless, calculating.

I turned the enemy knight over in my burnt hand, examining the wound and balling the piece in a fist – it's finally beginning to heal after 48 hours, after a gut wrenching fever and almost losing it all together. I looked to the blister on my ankle and it also was beginning to scab over, and then I turned my gaze back to meet his, just as cold and calculating. That was what I would have to be from then on. I've already gauged the limits of my "immortality," what I could and couldn't do, already I had deciphered how it functioned, but I wasn't about to let on about it. I knocked his second knight down with my own.

Kakuzu held his masked chin in his hand, studying the board carefully and looking back to me. I still haven't figured him out yet, and it was clear he wasn't going to let me. "You're smart for just a baby. So tell me…" he reached over and placed a mere pawn in my reach. "What do you plan to do now?"

I said nothing. What now? That's a good question. If I go for the pawn, I'll be in range of the enemy rook. If I back off, his queen is waiting. What to do indeed.

_When I was a young boy  
I was honest and I had more self-control  
If I was tempted I would  
Run_

His eyes remained hard, "You know, you are in no position to play brave. Do not think your nature makes you invincible."

I didn't react, but each word has a larger message. He was threatening me, and probably would be able to back it up. He is likely a much more formidable opponent that his partner. Knowing what I know, that says a lot. Or does it? And considering, he probably knows more about my "nature" than I do. But that's nor the real issue, is it?

His face scrunched as he grunted, something almost resembling a chuckle, "You can't return to your village now and you are of no use to myself or Hidan other than a temporary source of information. So what will you do?" He was mocking me.

"What makes you so sure that I won't be able to go back?"

_Then when I got older I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it  
And I wanted it_

This time his chuckle turned into a hearty, but still sinister, laugh, "Because I won't let you." I was beginning to see where this was leading. A business proposition; a negotiation over my life. How valid that was, I'm not sure. My thumb and forefinger join together and I stare at the pieces.

_Now I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make me  
Happy_

"This is the deal, boy," he continued, and I find many deals have been offered to me as of late, the amusement completely gone, "You're going to make a choice. Only one of them allows you to live." And I am sure by "live" he meant, "function freely."

I almost chuckled, but I listened seriously, watching his eyes, waiting, and for a moment he said nothing. We sat in silence, There were a lot of options, but it would be tedious to list them all; we both knew what I came down to.

_So instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of  
Action_

"So which will you choose, Shikamaru? Your country… or your God?"

Internally, I winced, but remained straight-faced. There was something about the way he said it that made it seem much more dire than it really was. But it hit me hard. "There is no in-between," he added. And I knew there wasn't.

I knew what my answer had to be, but naturally, my mind sifted through all the ways I wanted, but knew couldn't work. I had already made up my mind, already rationalized my decision, my path. But this has nothing to do with me, does it? I've become a mere pawn, and if I don't pick a side, they both will destroy me. So what it really came down to was, who was I fighting for?

_And I will turn off  
And I will shut down  
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground_

"Your loyalties are conflicted. There is no room in this world for indecisiveness. No matter what you do, you can't play both sides of the fence. And if you are not on my side, you are in my way. I've given you enough time. My patience is paper-thin. You have until morning." And after moving his queen into check mate, he rose and walked back inside, into the hotel.

_And I will turn off  
And I will shut down  
The chemicals are restless in my head_

I don't want to fight for anyone. I want to run and live in a cave and have nothing to do with the outside world. But if I'm not on a side, I'm going to get caught in the cross-fire anyway. I still don't know what they are, what "Akatsuki" is, what they're goal is, and what role I'm supposed to play in this. I'm only here because of Hidan, and I'm not even sure if I even need him. I just assumed he'd clue me in, give me some answers, some goddamn clarity. Am I supposed to just follow him around until he does?

'_Cause I lie  
Not because I want to  
But I seem to need to all the time_

But this isn't about religion either, it's me, my decision, what I want, and it's clear "Jashin" isn't going to make that decision for me. So what do I want? What do I have left without my country? My friends, my culture, my home. I have my God. But without me God, I have nothing. I want… something. Something has to be better than nothing. So where do my loyalties lie? Hell, I'm not even sure how loyal I am to my "religion." What reason do I have to give it to this masked criminal organization? Is there even an organization? Do Hidan and Kakuzu even know? Or is it really just a headless entity masquerading as a master plan. Hmph. And even then, what would I have to off them, my skills are mediocre compared to their level. There was something more to what he said… something I must have missed…

_Yeah I lie  
And I don't even know it  
Maybe this is all a part of my  
Flawed design_

"Yo. You meditating?"

"Hidan…"

"'Ey, I can come at another time, no sweat."

"No, it's fine. Sit."

"Alright then."

He sits, shaking his head at the abandoned board game, glancing up at me, sitting stiffly with his shoulders hunched, his brow furrowed. One thing was for sure, he and his partner sure balanced each other well with a constant fluctuating spectrum of personality. He lets out a tired breath, relaxing slightly, rolling his eyes to the side, scratching the back of his neck. His face is strained, as he searches for something to say. And I don't mind. I'm tired of thinking. As much as every little move echoes the man that killed me.

_And ever since I figured out that I could control other people  
I've had trouble sleeping with both  
Eyes closed_

"Shit, this is awkward," he sighed. He never seemed to be at a loss for words the first time I'd met him, but since returning from the dead, he seemed to lose his bold arrogance and blunt offensiveness, and it was clearly making him uncomfortable. Could it be he's never met another Jashinist?

Gah, it's still weird. Saying that. Calling myself a Jashinist. A religion I had never heard of until the day I died. But yeah, that was probably his issue too. It was weird to think of me as the same as him. But I just shrugged at his observation, digging around in my pocket for a smoke and a light.

I took a long deep puff and Hidan grunts, "Man, put that shit out, you're blowing it right in my fucking face.." I paused, took another puff, blowing it behind me and scraping the cherry in the gravel and sticking it back in my pocket. "… Thanks." It sounded like he wanted to mean it.

_And if I ask permission if I make sure it's ok I promise I won't slip up this time you can  
Trust me_

I didn't want to think anymore, I was tired of trying to figure him out and guessing each word he was trying to say like a little kindergartener, but knowing my situation loomed over me, my patience drained with each second that counted down to the dreaded morning. I still didn't know what I was going to say, what was going to happen to me, with no idea what to expect, no idea what I wanted or how I would handle it.

_But never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to  
Treason_

Human beings naturally resist change. We get comfortable where we are, we cling to what we know, existing in a loop of past and present, "protecting" endangered species like we're doing the world a favor when really they are just resisting the natural evolution of life. And perhaps that's because we know the world can exist without us. That nature has no regard for is and would blow our houses down, drown and burn us – and we take it as a personal attack on the human race, natural human arrogance, when really, we are just as much a part of nature as it changes. We look for cures for mental diseases and disabilities so that we are and always will be the same definition of healthy and normal as it has been for many years. And as the world turns around us, while we stay in our comfort zone, we feel disconnected from the rest of the world, when, really, the universe is not something separate from yourself. But it all boils down to a fear of death. We resist time because our growing age will always eventually lead to death. We fear the unknown because of the possibilities – natural human paranoia. But it's all programmed in our minds; survival has always been the ultimate sub-conscience goal of all of us, evolved from our ancestors, who would sleep at night to avoid predators in the darkness. Generations have lived and died but have passed on to us their lessons learned, as do we pass onto the man-kind of the future, constantly evolving.

_And I would also never ask a question that I cannot ask myself for it might dirty up your  
Conscience_

In situations where we have no control, no choice, the stress builds up and we shut down. Give up. Push it away. Stop thinking. And that is not in our survival instinct. In fact, it's counter-productive. But we do it anyway, even the self-proclaimed self-aware.

I have no control over any part of my situation, my existence; I have no goals, not even a fear of death. Only questions, and I am only unsure of how ready I am for the answers, a growing build-up of frustration, and Hidan, whoever he is, is not helping. I'm ready to shut down. Humans, naturally, reject what they don't understand. I don't want to understand. The only thing I want is the only thing I can't have – so what is my existence, if not for me? What I really want right this second is a cigarette and a good night's sleep. But I don't think I can have that yet either. Fuck my life.

'_Cause I lie  
Not because I want to  
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time)_

"So uh…"

"Hidan."

"Yeah?" He looked up quickly, expectantly.

"Don't do me any favors."

_Yeah I lie  
And I don't even know it  
Maybe this is all a part of my _

_flawed design_

His face slowly hardened to a dark stare and a smug huff, his face a rhetorical question and an insult. He turned away with that look in his eye, shaking his head. But slowly, he began chuckling, that deep, arrogant, amused chuckle, rumbling low in his chest, his shoulders bobbing as he continued shaking his head at me disbelieving. I'm so sick of these games. But he continued building up his laugh, as if he was listening to the funniest twisted story.

"How fucked up is this?!" his eyes were watering and he almost rolled, "What the fu-u-u-u-u-uuck..!" he held onto his sides, but eventually got it under control, he wiped his face, bits of his laughing fit leaking out in in bubbly spurts, "I mean… heheh, why the fuck… did it have to be you?" Silence. He sat without another sound, the lingering smile slowly eroding away as he stared back down at the chess pieces blankly. "Why the fuck…"

_And how can you say those things why can't you just believe_

"What? You think he made a mistake?" I sure did.

_And how can you say those things and keep a straight face_

He bit his lip, the anger visible in his trembling fists, but he bit it back and swallowed it. He couldn't bring himself to doubt the decision of his Lord. "Ah. I get it now. You don't think I am worthy. I'm just a stinking atheist heathen. But your God that you apparently know oh-so-well thinks otherwise. You don't know him as well as you thought you did. You are not the ultimate word of God and now you're doubting yourself-"

_And how can you say those things why can't we just believe_

"You shut your goddamn mouth!" his voice was gruff and raw, rage pulsing visibly, his finger directed at me accusingly. I just shrugged. Smirking slightly. Guess I hit a nerve. Well, turns out he is not a preacher. He has nothing to teach me so there is no reason for me to stick around.

"This is your fucking fault!"

_And how can you say those things and keep a straight face_

It was my turn to huff irritably. All that is going through my mind: Are you fucking serious? "You murder me for your God. Your God brings me back against my will. And it's suddenly my fucking fault for being stuck here with you?!"

"He didn't just choose you, you self-righteous piss-hole! He saved you, show some goddamn respect. You think he saves and recruits just every sad trapped soul that listens to him?! The fact that you heard him at all just says-… fuck!" He was standing now, pacing, trying to prove his point to me, but he wasn't getting anywhere behind his angry wall. I could feel a migraine coming on.

_And I will turn off  
And I will shut down  
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground_

After pacing, grunting angrily and making several other displeased noises, he took a breath, "I _don't_ think you're worthy. I think you're a sad, pathetic waste of skin, a half-wit, _bullshit_ shinobi, I think I've eaten things bigger than you. You're a cry-baby wimp with no faith in _anything_. And that apathy is what got you stuck in the first place, your own shitty morals got you here, you knew exactly what the fuck you were getting into, don't you _dare_ blame it on Him-"

_And I will turn off  
And I will shut down  
The chemicals are restless in my head_

He was talking so fast it was unclear what he was trying to say, what he was getting at, he had a lot to say but his brain and mouth were racing against each other, as he continued raving on and on. Eventually when he was about to pull out his hair, he sighed, frustrated, and turned away from me. We both stopped. It was no use arguing, we weren't going to get anywhere. It didn't change the facts, but there was no use convoluting the situation with angry venting.

Sitting, listening to the shy night-voices under the clear sky, sitting by this chess board outside some cheap motel in the middle of nowhere, this is the first peace I'd known in… weeks? Whatever. It felt longer. I never thought I'd spend so much energy arguing about… religion of all things. But now my brain is finally tired enough to just focus on sitting and breathing.

"…Hidan?"

"…"

_Cause I lie  
Not because I want to  
But I seem to need to all the time_

"…Who is he?"

_Yeah I lie  
And I don't even know it  
Maybe this is all a part of my _

_flawed design_

"… I don't know."

Peeling back the layers of dead skin on my hand and crushing it, letting it fall into the fire; Am I alive or dead? Kakuzu sleeps with one eye open, but that's fine. I have nothing to hide. In fact… I have nothing at all.

What do I live for, if not for me?

Am I even a sentient "I" or do I simply perceive that I am "self-aware," do I actually have wants, things I like, a "person-ality"… am I even human? Aren't I? And even then, what is human? But I know, in the morning I will have to choose. Life or death. But I feel no sense of urgency; my mind is calm, but not necessarily at peace. My anxiety is gone. Perhaps I've already made up my mind.

'_Cause I lie  
And if I could control it  
Maybe I could leave it all behind _

"We're going to replace that hand of yours in a minute."

"What?"

Kakuzu sat up, swiftly pulling on his coat and kicking his partner in the ribs. "Prepare yourself. We're about to find out how useful you really are."

"What's going on?"

"They're here-"

"Oi, Kuzu, fucking dick, let me sleep damnit," Hidan rolled back over, pulling his pillow over his head.

"Get your bitch ass up. It's those Konoha punks."

Hidan groaned, "Shit, who cares, make the new guy handle it, they're his problem, not ours…"

"What…" If I thought the universe was cruel then, I certainly did now. Peeking out the grimy window, indeed, there they were, standing readily. Angrily.

_Yeah I lie_

Ghosts of an unforgivable past..

_And I don't even know it  
Maybe this is all a part of my _

Team seven… and Team Asuma.

_Flawed design._

* * *

_A/N: Hey guys, if you're still alive : D Sorry, I do like writing these things and ideas buzz all the time, but I've been really busy with school. Anyways, just sayin' I tend to update my profile and things regularly because I dislike having ugly mood-breaking author notes at the end, so check there if you are interested or have questions or whatever. Reviews remind me that I need to update because sometimes it honestly slips my mind haha I hope you are all suspense because it's going to be a while to get another chapter out. Love you guys ;u; I hope I continue to write what you like  
_


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